“What changed your mind about Christianity?” The question came from across the dinner table, asked by another guest. I blinked as I processed her question. I was stumped. In all the years I’ve shared my testimony, I have never been asked that question though it was a natural follow up given what I had shared. I have a ready answer to the scripture 1 Peter 3:15 that commands us to be ready to share the hope we have that is in us with gentleness and respect. I could have given that response and it would not have been completely wrong, but it also would not have completely answered her question.
The truth is, there wasn’t just one thing that catalyzed my dramatic turn around. It was a series of moments that wore down the defenses I put up against Christianity. My broken marriage got my attention in a way few things would. The fleeting satisfaction from career and academic pursuits. The cognitive dissonance was real. The more i followed the world’s formula for acquiring happiness, the more empty I felt inside. And as if the feeling of emptiness were not enough, my emptiness spoke. It asked haunting questions.
I remember one moment in particular. I was presenting at the CDC in Atlanta, Georgia as a Robert Wood Johnson Foundation fellow.
“What lasting value does this have?” an internal voice whispered.
“Diabetes impacts millions of people.” I retorted..
“What eternal purpose does this serve?” the voice asked.
“The quality of life for millions can be improved.” I answered.
“To whom do you give the glory?”
That one stopped me cold. Conviction stabbed and indignation gushed out.
“People do extraordinary work advancing health and get acknowledged for it. There is nothing wrong with that. I have earned this. I have worked hard for this. My colleagues in this cohort are doing the same.”
But even as I defended myself to myself, I could hear how hollow those words sounded.
No other questions were whispered. No more were needed.
I rationalized my drive in reaching for the many “next things”: getting published in academic journals, applying for a PhD program, advancement in my career as a nurse and administrator.
Jesus often asked questions not for his own sake but because others gained to benefit from the questions asked. “Who touched my clothes?” (Mark 5:30) “Who do you say that I am?” (Matthew 16:15).
Jesus asked questions to challenge, teach and reveal the truth.
My haunting questions functioned in similar ways and forced me to reconcile my intent and motivation behind every pursuit. And with every re-emergence, the questions took down my wall against Christianity, one brick at a time. I soon began looking up and asking, “What am I doing this all for? What is my purpose in life?”
The three years leading up to my spiritual conversion were ones marked by what Francis Thompson described in his poem as the relentless pursuit of the “Hound of Heaven.”
“I fled Him, down the nights and down the days; I fled Him, down the arches of the years; I fled Him, down the labryrinthine ways of my own mind; and in the midst of tears…”
In the spring of 2017, I finally stopped running. I turned to the Lord and confessed that I didn’t understand how or why but that I knew He (Jesus) was the answer. I knew if I said yes to trusting and putting my faith in Christ, there could be no half steps. If I would finally call myself a Christian it meant accepting His Word….all of it.
And so I did.
And eight years later, Jesus is still the answer.
My purpose is grounded in things eternal: in living a life worthy of the calling, strengthening the body of Christ, and in all things-
Soli Deo Gloria.
To God be the glory.